I've been mulling over a Year in Review post for a couple of weeks and decided today was the day to sit down and write one before the newness of the year wears off. There was the good, the bad, the momentous and the mundane. It was the year of My Big Fat Career Change. A no-looking-back, life-changing, nose-to-the-grindstone kind of year. A put-your-big-girl-pants-on and go-for-it year. A year of being courageous and vulnerable all at the same. It was a year of great joys and gut-wrenching sorrows. It was a year of major life lessons. It was 2013.
Here's the recap:
In January I started trying on this phrase: “This is my last semester at the college”. I said it secretly to myself every day and out loud to those I trusted. I liked the sound and the feel of it even though it made my stomach heave just a wee little bit.
February was fraught with a range and depth of emotions I hadn't experienced in a while. In retrospect, I think this is when I began to grieve the loss of my career. On the surface it felt a little irrational, like garden variety anxiety often does. Deep down I knew it was more than that. I knew it was time to finally face the reality of leaving a place and the folks I had once loved deeply. I wept at the thought of packing up my office and yet longed to bolt from the building all in the same day (and sometimes within the same hour!).
Now I'm not proud to admit this, but in March as the sadness began to abate, full blown cynicism moved right on in and made itself at home. I always promised myself I would leave before I grew cynical. I almost made it. Seemed my tolerance for academic politics and posturing had shrunk to almost nothing. Thankfully this period was short-lived.
If you've made it this far, you might be wondering if I ever thought about or experienced anything in 2013 outside of professional career angst. I'm sure I did, it's just that "The Decision" weighed on me so heavily and loomed so large that it dominated pretty much everything.
In April the sun came out, the temps began to warm and one after another, my students played their recitals. They had already taken the news of my leave in stride and were thrilled when the person they and I preferred was chosen to teach for me. I began to soften and relax around the idea of making "The Decision" official and public. After all, I had a year to "try it on". I could always change my mind and go back. I had the luxury of time now. Spring was coming and so was summer, and soon after that, a year's leave of absence.
I was outside every day with my camera, making hundreds of photos and taking long walks in the country and the woods around our home.
My garden forgave and forgot, and we eventually became friends again.
I cooked like a fiend, cleaned out and reorganized closets and even read a book.
I worked on furniture for FOUND, went to as many auctions and sales as I could, and every day thanked the universe and my sweet husband for making it all possible. Ken started telecommuting two or three days a week and I eventually found a daily routine that worked.
And then there was July...
On the 6th we received news that our dear friend Dave had died of a massive heart attack while sitting in his car at a red light, minding his own business. Just like that. Gone. In an instant. There are days when the memory of his death is so raw that it hurts physically. On the 26th we lost Ken's dear sweet father, Howard. Such deep summer sadness. A young life cut far too short and long rich life, so well-lived. I learned so much from each of them.
August = Regroup
In September I confessed tearfully to my dean that I didn't intend to return when my leave of absence ended. He gave me a two week deadline to make it all official. I wept all the way home. My leave was barely underway. A few days later we moved into the sweet lake cottage we'd rented for two weeks. Ken telecommuted the first week and I sat on the dock ruminating. Not sure I could pull the plug, not sure I could give it all up, not sure I was ready to say goodbye. The deadline came and went while we were there.
October = Reframe. Refocus.
On what would've been my dad's eighty eighth birthday, I pushed send on an email that made my decision to leave official, public, final and irrevocable. The whole grand adventure could now begin moving forward. And after it was all said and done, aside from experiencing the biggest inhale-exhale I've ever breathed and a few tears of joy and relief, nothing earth-shattering happened. The sun went down and came up the next morning. We went about our daily lives, tending to home, business and each other. November and December were filled with celebrations and time spent with friends and family.
If 2013 was the year of "The Decision" then I hear by declare 2014 to be the year of the "Grand Adventure". Here we go!
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