Shedding

"Every time we feel like taking refuge in a habitual means of escape, we take off more armor, undoing all the stuff that covers over our wisdom and our gentleness and our awake quality. We’re not trying to be something we aren’t; rather, we’re reconnecting with who we are. I will spend my life taking this armor off. Nobody else can take it off because nobody else knows where all the little locks are, nobody else knows where it’s sewed up tight, where it’s going to take a lot of work to get that particular iron thread untied. You have to do it alone."
 

From Pema Chodron's book Comfortable with Uncertainty

Cancellation Dance

That I continue to celebrate schedule cancellations with a little dance tells me that I need a squeak more unstructured time in my day.

Time to think, ponder and write. Time to make lists, finish up projects left hanging for months, and to take care of mundane things like clearing the heap of shoes from around the front door.

Lillie thinks I should use this "free" time to make a lap for her and stay there all day.



Our little road trip this past weekend included an auction held on-site at a massive Victorian mansion that came complete with marble fireplaces, stained glass windows and a full size 1923 Wurlitzer theater organ with its own room.

 

And we're not talking any ordinary organ here either.

This one had a complete drum kit,

a xylophone AND tuned sleigh bells.

Turned out this was the fourth auction held from this home. The first and second featured antique restored automobiles and a vast collection of restored pin ball and arcade machines.

The third contained the best the home had to offer in furnishings and art - Tiffany glass, silver and stained glass windows, finely carved ornate Victorian furniture, Persian silk carpets and massive oil paintings in carved gilt frames with statues in bronze, porcelain and bisque to go with them.


The homeowners are two elderly men who have been together for decades and now face their remaining years in a nursing home. They almost finished restoration on the house. The auction we attended featured the leftovers. We learned at checked out that one more auction remained - the attic (packed full evidently). Wondering if we can make it back for more...

Totally Natural

It was minus 17 last night, just like the Farmer's Almanac said it would be. How do they know such things? Ken and I are both working from home today. I moved all my appointments to tomorrow so I wouldn't have to leave the house and he's happily telecommuting from his upstairs office. I can't decide if we are getting smarter or wimpier in our old age. Today I'm going with smarter.

The "Spring" semester began yesterday and I celebrated by having my hair cut smack dab in the middle of the day. It felt just so good. I stopped having my hair dyed three months ago. Another part of the shedding process I think (like giving away my "teacher" clothes). If my hair continues to grow at its current rate I'll be the totally natural me by June. Sure hope I make it. Yesterday I caught a sideways glimpse of myself in the window at Gimme! Coffee and swore my mother was in there looking back at me. Not sure, but I think she was scowling...those highlights or lowlights are starting to sound like a good idea...

Another use for Duxelles to report! Actually two. Cooked with brown rice is melts away and makes the flavor oh so rich. Yum. I could eat it at every meal. Mixed into turkey meatloaf it's divine and keeps the meat from getting too dry. Here's the recipe as I remember it:

Turkey Meatloaf with Duxelles
3 or 4 pounds of ground turkey
2 Tbs of Butter
Box of slice button mushrooms
2 or 3 shallots
1/4 cup Ketchup
1 or 2 Tbs Horseradish (or horseradish sauce)
One roasted red pepper chopped (I use the ones from a jar)
1/2 cup Shredded Parmesan cheese
2 Eggs beaten
Salt and Pepper to taste
1 tsp Herbes de Provence

Process the mushrooms and shallots in the food processor 'til minced and cook down in the butter. Add salt and pepper to taste and spread on a plate to cool off in the frig.
 
In a big bowl mix all the other ingredients together and form into two rustic loaves on a half sheet baking pan. Cook for about 30-40 minutes at 375.

 

Cue comfort. Cue cozy.

 

Year in Review aka My Big Fat Career Change

Okay, so what. I'll admit it. I liked Faerie Magazine on facebook this morning, right in front of god and everybody. Oh the things I have time for now that I'm "retired"...

I've been mulling over a Year in Review post for a couple of weeks and decided today was the day to sit down and write one before the newness of the year wears off. There was the good, the bad, the momentous and the mundane. It was the year of My Big Fat Career Change. A no-looking-back, life-changing, nose-to-the-grindstone kind of year. A put-your-big-girl-pants-on and go-for-it year. A year of being courageous and vulnerable all at the same. It was a year of great joys and gut-wrenching sorrows. It was a year of major life lessons. It was 2013. 

Here's the recap:

In January I started trying on this phrase: “This is my last semester at the college”. I said it secretly to myself every day and out loud to those I trusted. I liked the sound and the feel of it even though it made my stomach heave just a wee little bit.


February was fraught with a range and depth of emotions I hadn't experienced in a while. In retrospect, I think this is when I began to grieve the loss of my career. On the surface it felt a little irrational, like garden variety anxiety often does. Deep down I knew it was more than that. I knew it was time to finally face the reality of leaving a place and the folks I had once loved deeply. I wept at the thought of packing up my office and yet longed to bolt from the building all in the same day (and sometimes within the same hour!). 


Now I'm not proud to admit this, but in March as the sadness began to abate, full blown cynicism moved right on in and made itself at home. I always promised myself I would leave before I grew cynical. I almost made it. Seemed my tolerance for academic politics and posturing had shrunk to almost nothing. Thankfully this period was short-lived.

If you've made it this far, you might be wondering if I ever thought about or experienced anything in 2013 outside of professional career angst. I'm sure I did, it's just that "The Decision" weighed on me so heavily and loomed so large that it dominated pretty much everything.

In April the sun came out, the temps began to warm and one after another, my students played their recitals. They had already taken the news of my leave in stride and were thrilled when the person they and I preferred was chosen to teach for me. I began to soften and relax around the idea of making "The Decision" official and public. After all, I had a year to "try it on". I could always change my mind and go back. I had the luxury of time now. Spring was coming and so was summer, and soon after that, a year's leave of absence.

May and June = Full On Liberation!  

I was outside every day with my camera, making hundreds of photos and taking long walks in the country and the woods around our home. 

My garden forgave and forgot, and we eventually became friends again.

I cooked like a fiend, cleaned out and reorganized closets and even read a book. 

I worked on furniture for FOUND, went to as many auctions and sales as I could, and every day thanked the universe and my sweet husband for making it all possible. Ken started telecommuting two or three days a week and I eventually found a daily routine that worked.



And then there was July...
On the 6th we received news that our dear friend Dave had died of a massive heart attack while sitting in his car at a red light, minding his own business. Just like that. Gone. In an instant. There are days when the memory of his death is so raw that it hurts physically. On the 26th we lost Ken's dear sweet father, Howard. Such deep summer sadness. A young life cut far too short and long rich life, so well-lived. I learned so much from each of them. 

August = Regroup

In September I confessed tearfully to my dean that I didn't intend to return when my leave of absence ended. He gave me a two week deadline to make it all official. I wept all the way home. My leave was barely underway. 

A few days later we moved into the sweet lake cottage we'd rented for two weeks. Ken telecommuted the first week and I sat on the dock ruminating. Not sure I could pull the plug, not sure I could give it all up, not sure I was ready to say goodbye. The deadline came and went while we were there.


October = Reframe. Refocus.  
On what would've been my dad's eighty eighth birthday, I pushed send on an email that made my decision to leave official, public, final and irrevocable. The whole grand adventure could now begin moving forward. And after it was all said and done, aside from experiencing the biggest inhale-exhale I've ever breathed and a few tears of joy and relief, nothing earth-shattering happened. The sun went down and came up the next morning. We went about our daily lives, tending to home, business and each other. November and December were filled with celebrations and time spent with friends and family. 

If 2013 was the year of "The Decision" then I hear by declare 2014 to be the year of the "Grand Adventure". Here we go!

Sleep. Balance. Smile. Breathe. Laugh.

More pondering today, and as usual there more questions than answers. 

 Why is it so hard for folks to apologize and why is it so hard for some folks to accept an apology? Why is it that the same folks who have a hard time accepting an apology also seem to have trouble accepting a compliment? Just wondering. 

I also wonder if it's possible to choose a couple of words to inspire me throughout the year. If so, what would they be? Sleep. Balance. Smile. Breathe. Laugh. Think I'll stop here. I've done enough pondering for today and besides, it's way more amusing to listen to Ken sing made up classic country songs inspired by Hank Williams...My mother fell under a train and my dog done run off with the neighbor and I'm so lonesome even my cat doesn't like me are my top favorites so far. 

I love my life. I really do.

 We had planned to travel this weekend but with frigid temps, and falling and drifting snow, I think we'll just stay home, hunker down and do something fun like work on the year-end inventory and excavate my "office".

The sun's out and the temp has only warmed up to a balmy five above. We have a fire going and we're already on our second cup of homemade hot chocolate. Lillie has found a secret cozy spot and Pippa is flaked out near the hearth. Peter will not leave our bed and expects a nap from us soon. It's nice to be slowed down by Mother Nature and I'm so glad we're experiencing this slow down from the comfort of home.  Happy snowy winter day everyone.

Duxelles

In the last couple of weeks I’ve become completely obsessed with Duxelles. 

It’s a French concoction made from minced mushrooms, shallots and herbs and it is delicious beyond words. This is the recipe that started it all.

Unless I'm baking I never follow a recipe, so I’ll never know for sure if the recipe above is really any good. I can tell you though, that if you use half and half instead of 2% milk, more cheese than the skimpy three quarters cup they call for and throw in a nice handful of fresh herbs that it is absolutely to die for. So good in fact, that I made another version of it using sliced potatoes and served it with a glazed ham on Christmas day. Delish.

When the frig became so packed with leftovers that they were falling out every time we opened the door, I knew it was time to pull together whatever odds and ends I could find and get cooking. In the crisper I found a moldy red pepper and two limp carrots. Ick. I also found a package of button mushrooms that hadn’t expired, half a Mayan sweet onion and one large shallot. The back recesses of the top shelf held leftover ham along with four containers of various shredded cheese. I’m feeling inspired now...it'll be Duxelles Mac n Cheese!

I’m pretty fearless in the kitchen and cook by the seat of my pants, so when folks ask for my recipes I really don’t know what to say...it’s a little of this and a little of that, use your best instincts, taste as you go and it’s sure to turn out okay most of the time. So by request, here it is, my Duxelles Mac n Cheese recipe as best I remember:

Set a large pasta pot to boil with salt and a little olive oil. I use Pasta Joy Gluten Free rice pasta. Undercook it just a bit so it doesn’t get soggy while it’s baking.

Pulse one package of sliced button mushrooms 10-15 times ‘til they’re finely minced. Place in a large skillet on medium heat with a big knob of butter. Pulse a large shallot and one half sweet Mayan onion 10-15 times ‘til finely minced and add it to the mushrooms. Salt and pepper to taste. Cook ‘til whatever rendered water is reduced and the mixture starts to look like a paste. If you have herbs add those in. I used fresh thyme, savory and a little rosemary.

Chop the ham off the bone and pulse it ‘til it resembles the mushroom/onion mixture. Set aside and try not to snack on it while you’re making the cheese sauce (I’m guessing I had about a cup and a half of minced meat by the time the sauce was done).

Whisk two tablespoons of cornstarch and about two or two and a half cups of cold cream or half and half or milk over medium heat until it starts to thicken. When it’s thick, dump in the cheese, add salt and pepper, a little dash of something for heat (chipotle powder is good) and whisk until smooth. Okay, true confession time. J and J were coming over for dinner and it’s not dinner with them unless there is something on the table made using heavy cream. So for this recipe I used one and a quarter cups of heavy cream and made up the difference with water thereby making the entire meal more “healthy” in one easy step! 

Spray PAM in a 9x12” baking dish. In a large metal bowl toss a third of the pasta and a couple of big ladles of the cheese sauce together and spread it all out in the bottom of the pan. Layer in the duxelles and then another layer of pasta/cheese sauce. Now add in the mince ham and finish up with a layer pasta and sauce. If there’s any sauce left in the pot, just pour it on top while you’re at it. If you find yet another container of shredded cheese in the frig, place that on top too.

Cover with foil and bake for 40 minutes. Uncover and bake another 15-20 minutes. Eat with love and abandon, and plan to fast the next day, unless of course it’s calling to you from the frig, in which case, I suggest having it for breakfast. Diet starts tomorrow, right?