I went to campus earlier this week for my last official meeting with HR and left having decided to move my retirement date up to December 31st instead of waiting until May. With a quick signature it was all settled. I'll move out of my office over the winter break. All I owe the college now is $29.29 a month for dental insurance. WOW, just WOW.
Even I'm surprised at how little I miss my Ivory Tower life. On the ride in I tried to focus solely on the things I miss and found it almost impossible because inevitably it would bring up the many things I don't or won't miss. What a recipe for feeling stressed and unhappy.
So I pulled over at the four corners atop Blakslee Hill to take in the view.
Breathing in. I know I'm breathing in.
I miss this unbelievably beautiful ride into town, especially in the early morning. I'll miss keeping track of the seasons by noting the numbers of new fawns and the hawks swirling above on the thermals. I'll miss being greeted daily by the lake. How it would appear suddenly from out of nowhere atop the ridge. How day after day after day, I was shocked by its immense beauty.
Breathing out. I know I'm breathing out.
I do not miss feeling the need to don a thick protective psychic armor just to make it through the day. And if I some how I managed to get it in place during the sixteen minute drive to campus, I quickly lost it just trying to find a place to park.
Breathing in. I know I am breathing in.
I miss helping people solve problems. I will really miss being present for those hard-one victories. Those successes that brought tears to my eyes, those moments where I swear I saw not just one, but a crate of light bulbs go on above a student's head. Yes, I miss that...a lot.
Breathing out. I know I am breathing out.
I do not miss having my life ruled by the clock and the academic calendar. I do not miss the incessant race to get every last bit of information conveyed inside of an hour lesson, and how confining the academic calendar felt as the years went by - so unforgiving, so unrelenting. Buck up, suck it up, march on, keep going. We just don't have time for whatever it is you think you need right now. You must not get behind.
Breathing in. I know I am breathing in.
I miss helping young adults navigate their way through their late teens and early twenties. I will miss watching them launch into the world with wide-eyed optimism. I will miss being a confidant, a mentor and a viola mom.
Breathing out. I know I am breathing out.
I do not miss listening to excuses. Those long lists of reasons given at the start of so many lessons meant to lower my expectations, ease my grading policy and maybe garner a little sympathy. Reasons why lessons weren't prepared and assignments weren't finished. Sadly most of them were just lame excuses, but a lot of them were out and out lies. They varied in size and importance from those little white convenience fibs to giant whoppers the size of Texas. And oh how easily those lies flowed with some students. Not every one of them by any means and not even most of them. But in the end it just got to me and I couldn't take it anymore. I will not miss this. I do not miss this. No, not one bit.
Breathing in. I know I am breathing in.
I will come back to teaching in some way eventually. I don't know how or when. I just know that I will.
Breathing out. I know I am breathing out.
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