Style

It's my birthday and I'm celebrating in style!

I woke up without an alarm this morning and I plan to sit right here with a kitty in my lap and a cup of coffee at my side 'til I get the urge to move.

Grilled cheese for breakfast and cupcakes for lunch. Sweet cards from my sweetie and the the promise of a package in the mail later today!

It's gonna be a great day and even though I had to get out the calculator to be sure I was turning 56 and not 57, I intend to make a wish or two or three before I take that first bite of yellow cake with chocolate frosting. I am one lucky gal.

Better

School started without me this year and I'm okay with that. I expected to feel my heart strings pulled a little, expected to miss my students more and thought I'd feel the need to use my brain in that teacher sort of way. But nope. Didn't happen, not at least like I thought it would.

The next time a teacher complains to you that they're burnt out, listen and pay attention to them. This burn out stuff is real. Had I known what was happening to me I might've figured out a way to reverse it. A toxic environment of any kind is no fun. Whether it stems from office politics, faculty drama, overwork and under-appreciation, it's effects can be long lasting and life-altering.

 

Though it's only been a short time, the thick and impermeable psychic armor I donned to make it in academia has started falling away in big chunks. I feel much more like my authentic self every day.

I'm not just going to be okay. I'm going to be better than before.

Dear Dad

 Thank you for pressing this quote into my hands when I was a teenager:

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. 

Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. 

Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. 

Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. 

Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.

Thank you for teaching me the value of patience and to measure twice, cut once.

 

Thank you for helping me believe I could do anything I wanted as long as I set my mind to it.

Thank you for all those Saturday morning trips to the lumber yard and for letting me tag along and watch you work. Thank you for stressing the importance of saving a little money every week, 

no matter how small.

 Most of all, thank you for being my dad.

Fixated

My favorite TV shows from my childhood - okay, I'll admit it...until I was about 16 - were (in order of importance)

• Dark Shadows
• Gilligan's Island
• Green Acres

I've only just realized that this explains my lifelong fixation with old, creepy abandoned houses, escaping reality, homesteading and back-to-the-land blogs, and living in the country.

So when this house in our neighborhood suddenly sprouted a For Sale By Owner sign

 it prompted the following conversation...

Ken: Sweetie, oh my god, did you see that sign?
Me: Yes, but I'm pretending I didn't and I'm not paying attention to you right now...
Ken: What do you think?
Me: It's the right size but it's a total wreck.
Ken: I know and it has no barn. Maybe we should call anyway.
Me: But it has no view. Okay, maybe we should call just to see what they're asking for it.
Ken: It has good bones, look at those attic windows, it has the original doors!
Me: But it needs everything else.
Ken: Okay, I'll call as soon as we get home!

I've never been able to figure out our utterly impractical fixation with buying an old ginormous house and fixing it up. I mean come on, we're in our fifties now and I just took leave of my job for a year without pay (maybe I've taken leave of my senses as well I don't know). Still every time we see "our house" we pull the car over, take a few pics and talk about what we might do if only...

Can't either one of us shake this kooky idea, so stay tuned. You never know what we might do next.

So much love

Reverent smudging and then a circle. The creeks and gorges are wild and frenzied from the rain.

 

We gathered in silence. Eventually some offered a song or two. Tears flowed freely. Dave's hat was passed hand to hand. Many spoke of a man who's laugh could be heard over the airways on Bound for Glory and who gave the best hugs ever. A man who no matter where the conversation started, always ended up talking of his wife and daughter and how proud he was of them.

So much love. 

Dave was devoted to his family, his friends, his community. He was there when you needed help setting up and would still be there when you needed help breaking down, and no matter what the circumstance he always greeted you with a smile.

 

So much love.

On our way home Ken and I agreed that when we're gone we hope we'll be remembered as the folks who always greeted everyone with a smile. Thank you for that Dave. We will try harder to be that person because of you.

As we pulled the car over to watch the sunset from high atop Blakeslee Hill Road I wondered out loud what folks would pass around the circle when they remembered me...a piece vintage Fiestaware? my cat Peter, my camera? It was nice to have a lighthearted moment and we're still pondering that question.

 So much love.

Being Home

It's a little sad that the best view in our house is found at the kitchen sink.

Ah well...

I'm loving working from home these days. Sorting and framing photos, organizing a huge bin of fabulous metal sign letters, tagging linens, putting the finishing touches on an iron bed for the guest room, weeding, walking, napping, reading, taking photos...a typical day around here. 

The garden is beginning to wane. Cherry tomatoes are almost done, hydrangeas are turning mauve, burning bush is ever so slightly tinged with red at the tips of the leaves.

Grateful.

Do-Over

I'm glad to turn the page on July.

It was a month of great loss for us with the deaths of Ken's dad and our dear friend Dave. It was also another month of transition for me as I continue the search for a routine that works.

I have a new measure of clarity about my future in terms of my work and although there were plenty of good days in July, as I look back I see I just wasn't myself.

So welcome August. I'm ready for you. There's no count-down to the start of school this year and I'm just fine with that. I do have a favor to ask of you though. I'd be most grateful for a do-over. 

Please and thank you.