Complete

I've been unable to play the viola for 18 months. It's been one of the most deeply painful things I've ever endured. It has also been the impetus for some profound life lessons.

I'm not always the boss
Not being able to play because of an injury is a very one-sided proposition. You have absolutely no choice in the matter - you're just simply down for the count. It could last a few weeks, a few months or could be forever.

I refuse to be defined by my limitations
I'll be the first to admit that in the beginning it was pretty liberating. All that time I used to spend practicing and rehearsing? Sure, I can find endless ways to fill it up. No performances? No problem, I'll take less stress and anxiety in my daily life. No rehearsal drama and overblown egos to deal with? For sure, that can just stay gone forever. Sadly, when the liberation wore off something far less pleasant set in. A deep hole-in-your-heart sadness and an almost unbearable grief. I couldn't think about or listen to music, especially pieces I loved and had played before. I couldn't sit through concerts without becoming emotional. After navigating through this particularly prickly phase I've discovered that I am still very much a musician even if I can't play.

It's not about being perfect

In the months since I'd stopped playing we stopped going to music gatherings. Last night we ventured back and I even came with instrument in hand. After a while, I timidly joined the circle and began quietly playing along. After a bit someone requested some Bach. I offered up a pretty crusty version and made up more than a few notes, but some how I got through it.

And then there was silence.

I looked down at Ken and saw him wipe a few tears from his eyes. I noticed that others in the room were doing the same. Honestly I had no idea my musical voice could be missed and treasured in this way. Really, I'm not being maudlin or self-effacing. I just didn't know.

Keep calm and carry on

I'm pretty sure I won't be returning to professional performing. My body's made it pretty clear we're done with all that. What I do know is that I'll definitely find a way to make music for the sheer joy of it and that's all that really matters to me right now. It's good to be back in this small way. To hold the instrument in my hands, to laugh and sing with it, to harmonize and improvise.

I'd say my healing from this whole injury thing is just about complete.